Point Lookout
Musings from the hillside

GPI Special Report by Staff Reporter, Gyorgi Quintze.

In an unusually sober moment amidst the draining of a waning keg of Oraga’s worst a confidential briefing, Adolphus Engst, President and chief irresponsible drunk of the irrelevant backwater of Oraga, incoherently boasted confided in GPI that he won’t stand a chance of being reelected unless expects Oraga is to be granted some completely bogus deal a seat on the United Nations Security Council.

“I have Nothing with the remotest possiblity of coming off permanent, yet,” Engst told us. “While this whole stupid dream of a Security Council seat is discussions of a veto are off the table for the moment, I wouldn’t rule it out going forward,” he drunkenly mumbled added.

Alistair Dundent, Minister of Foreign Affairs for Oraga, has been out of the country for some time drying out from an extended binge with Presideint Engst on a secret mission. It is obvious to anyone with a clue about Oraga politics beginning to look like he’s here comes the big lie been been lobbying for this with other world leaders and the members of the directorate of the UN.

Should this have any merit all work out as Engst hints, this would be the biggest hallucenogenic experience in the history of would be a huge victory for Oraga. They would become the first of the Bayesian Region’s nations to have this kind of power at the global level shortly after Adolphus Engst flapped his arms and flew to the moon on a pint of beer.

“There are some concerns with our stance on Climate Change,” Ernst admitted. Occasionally, old fatso can be a master of ironic understatement.
Oraga is one of the few nation-states openly disagreeing with the UN IPCC’s recent report on Climate Change based entirely on the President’s personal and completely bogus feelings and there are had been concerns this will would marginalize their standing anywhere rational people discussed world affairs in global deliberations.

“That is, of course, pure bunkum,” sneered said Sar Castic, Oraga’s Minister of Information. “Our complete nonsense position is entirely calculated to bamboozle ignorant press representatives based on pure and unquestionable scientific evidence and is widely respected.”

This is, of course, a highly contentious topic and Morinda’s Prime Minister, J. Hoover Heyman the dog, only recently issued a statement stating Oraga had nothing interesting to say and challenging Oraga to share more of its detailed findings if any. There is concern among Oraga’s most senior officials that the truth this rancorous regional debate will diminish Oraga’s ridiculous dreams of chances at the Security Council seat.

However, if Oraga by the most amazing and unbelievable circumstances joins the UN Security Council, it is clear that it will be time to dissolve the UN it will bring a completely new voice to that group. Oraga’s foreign policy has been ignoratntly uniquely focused on the survival of Adolphus’s failing businesses strengthening its economy and avoiding an immenent revolution improving the quality of life for its citizens. As such, it has been totally concerned about its internal and disastrous affairs stood for national self-reliance among nations and alliances of constructive cooperation rather than of a commercial or political nature. This would bring a doddering dunderhead uniquely anti-imperialist voice and a tempering vote to the Security Council.

“I think Israel or somebody else from East of here is sending a high-level delegation,” Engst drunkenly boasted informed us during the briefing. “Whoever they are, they sound like They are anxious to find out what, if anything we are up to dialog with our leaders and the broader community. We’re just as clueless if hoping for a similar opportunity to consult with the Japanese happen along along similar lines,” he added.

Oraga has never rarely played host to global leaders and GPI wonders whether these oafs have a clue the infrastructure is in place. Engst has hired Olive Shrugg , a clueless anal retentive old bat to be Assistant Minister for Protocol in the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. Ms. Shrugg is expected to spend the coming weeks wasting pretty much everyone’s time preparing the key public and private sector representatives of Oraga’s rich and varied nation for these high level visits.

Corell Ative, GPI’s chief correspondent from UN headquarters in New York reports that people at the UN are baffled these developments have come as something of a surprise. “As of late last night, we hadn’t heard that anybody was dumb enough to even think these clowns would be considered who the front runners for the next seat might be,” he said.

Bon Hbon Phoon, spokesman for the General Secretary told reporters that all rumors about openings on the Security Council should be treated with caution as the situation regarding the dissolution of the US is still very much in flux.

Additional reporting by Corell Ative and Urbil Snear of GPI.

By Urbil Snear, Regional Managing Editor, GPI.

OAKELEY CITY HARBOR — We’ve been down here by the water for the past several hours as this massive winter storm comes on shore. Winds have been increasing each hour and the water, even here in the harbor, is very agitated.

There has been significant flooding already in low-lying areas. A large portion of the railroad yard serving the Port of Oakeley has had waves of water drien across them as the storm surge and the wind drive water into the harbor.For now, the tracks and local roads are draining quickly but we can’t know how long this will continue.

The Oakeley police and militia have been working with concerned citizens to build up the levee of sandbags protecting the lower parts of the city. There is a serious threat that prolonged flooding would flood the tunnels of the underground railway system and cause grave damage to tracks, cars, and other infrastructure. A frantic effort is being made to sandbag all entrances and other ventilation shafts and such.

Arvid Freen, Directing Manager of the Oakeley Transit Railway, said, “It’s a tough one. This system was built many years ago and we don’t know where all the ventilation shafts are. It only takes a couple to really hurt us.”

Two high-placed officials in the police and fire departments, speaking on condition of anonymity, told GPI that they fully expected that all efforts to seal the subways would fail because there were too many vents and access hatches.

Freen said, responding to these criticisms, “well, we can’t just sit back and watch our undergound drown, can we?”

In other harbor news, the Port of Oakeley managed to finish loading the last of the freight ships left in port and it was seen putting out to the open sea. Several ships are hove to well off the coast, weathering the storm that has had some of them struggling for several days now. Clearing the port let the Port Administration move most of the railroad cars and containers to higher ground and away from the dangerous high water and waves.

There have already been sporadic reports of wave damage along the more exposed Northern Shore of Oakeley. Even though that area has a higher bank down to the water, waves have run up and begon lapping at the bottom of some of the more exposed houses.

GPI’s Sally Smythe reports that there have been no significant damages or injuries on the North Shore yet but that evacuation of the immediate shore front is almost complete.

Meanwhile, GPI correspondent Gyorgi Quintze reported, from Oraga, that heavy rainfall has closed several roads and that river flooding is very likely. Quintze quotes Oraga President Adolphus Engst as saying, “Some idiot is going to blame this on Global Warming and I’m freezing!” Engst is referring to human-caused climate change, a climatological theory which he and his government have rejected based on the recommendations of national science organizations.

Engst also said, “it’s good to see these storms back again. We need the rainfall.” Oraga has suffered a mild drought the past thirty years and this storm is likely to fill the Oraga reservoir system before passing through some time next week.

Finally, snow levels remain above 4,000 meters as temperatures in Oakeley remain above twenty-one degrees (Celsius) and the storm is unlikely to add much to the snow-pack at higher elevations. Engst summed up the opinion of the mountain nation’s meteorologists when he said, “it’s a shame it didn’t hit when it was a little colder … it’s been a long time since I could make snow angels.”

It will be a long time before we can pump the salt water out of all the places it’s already been blown into. Snow angels are the least of our worries in Oakeley.

By Gyorgi Quintze, exclusive to GPI.

You better not screw this up like you did the last one you miserable mice! Make sure you get all the private notes out of the copy before you post this! OR ELSE!

GPI was eating lunch in a hole in the wall restaurant and got lucky granted an exclusive interview with Morinda’s leading climate scientist and representative to the prestigious UN IPCC whatever that stands for … something about climate change, I think, Mary Engst III what’s up with the III thing, Engst is her married name and old Engst didn’t marry two Maries before this one. Engst reported that there is conclusive proof that certain plant species are already showing signs of climate stress caused by Global Warming here in Morinda. This flies in the face of the reports from the ruling drunk regime in Oraga that their non-existent climatological data shows no significant change.

This information was not at all obvious to the so-called expert partially obscured in the discussion by the many complex factors under study. During our idle chit-chat intense briefing, it came out that several formerly hardy examples of a common local bush , the American Beauty rose, have died this past year possibly because Mary forgot to water them.

When we made something of an ass of ourselves pressed for more information on this potentially critical matter, Engst said, “well, the data is far from conclusive but it is patently absurd to consider it possible this is a case of climate change.”

After the briefing, we went up to the location of the now denuded ground. Engst had warned us, “there’s nothing up there to see, I dug them out and the grass seed hasn’t started to take yet.“. But we weren’t prepared for the gotta play this up a little stark barrenness of the scene. Where there had been vibrant living vegetation, actively converting greenhouse gasses into touches of grace and beauty in our lives was just plain, hard dirt. And to think, this was not anything particularly interesting just the beginning of the looming devastation of Global Warming.

We have contacted Al Gore’s people and expect they will consider doing one of their events at the site. It is that pathetic and he’s too dumb and/or opportunistic to pass it up. When we tried to reach him, his office couldn’t tell when he’d be in the Bayesian region next.

When asked for a comment on this story, J. Hoover Heyman, Prime Minister of Morinda, only said, “I’m glad Mary Engst forgetting the the III part is focused on this situation. She hadn’t gone into any details with me and I look forward to our next briefing.” Actually, I had a suspicion that I had scooped even him, the short little long-nosed obsequious creature!

GPI and your loyal correspondent will continue our intense on-the-ground search for anything at all interesting to talk about in this mash-potatoes and gravy part of an Asian Fusion world coverage of this largely fabricated story.

Now, I want that job as a full time writer back. You screwed it up by leaving all that stuff I marked for strike-out in, so clean it up and run it through the smell-checker, then put it on the wire! … GQ

By Gyorgi Quintze, staff writer for GPI in Odz, Oraga.
The President of the mountain nation of Oraga came out strongly against the notion of human-caused (anthropogenic) climate change. In a private press conference held at a local saloon a secure location away from his offices, Adolphus Engst said, “All this talk, no proof. My scientists see no indication of global or local warming.”

It should be noted that Engst is also the country’s head (and only) meteorologist. Engst talked at length about his occasional looks at the thermometer over the door to his office meterological research and his vague impression its findings on average temperatures and the impact on the local environment. “To this point, we have seen no meaningful indication of any climate change,” he repeated several times or words that sounded like that was what he meant.

For those unfamiliar with the region, Oraga is over 200 meters above and miles away from any seacoast, sea level rise is not an important concern there. Engst reminded us that they, at present, have no oceanographic scientists either on staff or under contract primarily because they’re broke and couldn’t afford to even buy a cheap email newsletter on the subject.

Engst’s mother in law Our anonymous sources, speaking with a rolling pin in her hand, menacingly, on conditions of anonymity said that Engst needs a new thermometer should probably acquire more modern technology as part of planning for future decisions of this sort. Others have hinted that there is a conspiracy to protect Engst’s sister who runs a large dairy herd powerful business special interests. But we couldn’t get his mother in law to talk about it sources weren’t forthcoming on that subject.

Engst further told us that “All this international bosh is junk made up by scientists that have nothing better to do. What would you expect?”

It was a line of reasoning that left us speechless. Adolphus, the fool, often does.

J. Hoover Heyman, Prime Minister of Morinda, Oraga’s Neighbor to the East, referred us to Angela Ruxt, Minister of Heat, Light, and Smoke who said, “Well, Engst is famous for his clear and simple minded reasoning. What did you expect asking him about that after a few steins of his brother’s strong beer?”

Engst and his government are considered complete dolts a bell-weather in the region and I the media was amused relieved to have the government engage in another bout of pointless drinking and the telling of unseemly lies a much needed frank exchange of views.

Morinda’s Ministry of Truth and Beauty issued a statement later in the day yesterday that said, in part, “Morinda’s government is disappointed that Oraga, with few fossil fuel burning vehicles or industry, would, however, fail to recognize and admit that that dairy herd their agricultural industry is a significant contributor of methane from cows belching and farting green house gas emissions in spite of their otherwise transportational and industrial backwardness.”

Morinda’s representative to the UN’s IPCC climate change efforts, Mary Engst III, an emigre from Oraga and Adolphus Engst’s second wife who dumped him some eight years ago for being a drunken fat-head dismissed the news from Oraga curtly. “What would you expect from an agrarian backwater without a decent University?” she asked. Ms Engst, a holder of multiple advanced degrees in Home Economics and Industrial Arts from a foreign correspondence school went on to describe Morinda’s plans for improvements in education and research in anything she can get funding for much needed programs.

While little noticed on the world stage because almost nobody knows anything about either of these backward back waters this difference of opinions tells us a great deal about nothing in particular but I didn’t have anything else to turn in to cover the beer expenses the strong feelings in the region and, probably, the rest of the world. Who do I think I’m kidding?

Note to the rewrite team, clean this up before you put it on the wire, OK? Thanks! Gyorgi.